The night was young as I sat at the nurses’ station awaiting my next patient in triage. Now if there’s one thing you must know, labor and delivery triage is essentially an emergency room for pregnant patients and most importantly – it is the birthplace of some of the best stories in the hospital!
Dee, a rotund Hispanic nurse in her 50s, slipped from behind the curtain where she had been talking to a patient and waddled over to me.
“What do you have for me?” I asked fidgeting with a peeling edge of the laminate desk where I sat.
Dee raised her overplucked eyebrows and grinned as she tossed me a manila folder. In barely legible scribble on the first page of the patient’s chart were the words “Foreign Body.” Immediately, I knew what this meant. Something that probably had no business being in the vagina in the first place was now stuck there!
Over the years, I’ve had patients with everything from grape jelly to broomstick handles in their vagina so I was sure whatever was behind the curtain couldn’t surprise me …
Confidently, I pulled back the thin curtain coming face-to-face with a petite woman donned in a crooked wig bent over plastering her pubes in deodorant.
“Oh!” I exclaimed slightly startled since I usually introduce myself before becoming so personal. “Sh-sh-should I come back?” I stammered.
“No, no,” she directed straightening her wig as she tossed the stick of deodorant into her bag. “I need to be quick. I just need you to get this lemon slice out of my hoo-ha.”
If it can fit in the vagina, trust me someone has tried to put it in there. But sticking lemon slices and broomstick handles in the vagina are far from the wildest things women have done over the years. So, as a gynecologist, these are 5 most surprising things I have heard of women doing to their vaginas!
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1. Vaginal Knitting
Now I’m no knitter and until recently I’d never heard of vaginal knitting. Yes, you read that right – vaginal knitting! Apparently, there is an artist from down under, Casey Jenkins, that knits using wool she stores down under. As part of an art exhibition in Australia challenging the fear of the female genitalia, Casey, each day for 28 days (including during menstruation) would insert a ball of wool into her vagina and knit using it. I’m not sure where the giant scarf ended up, but I hope Casey’s point was made — period!
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2. Vaginal Kung Fu
If knitting isn’t your thing, perhaps Kung Fu is – Vaginal Kung Fu, that is. Vaginal Kung Fu is, simply put, weightlifting for your vagina. During this exercise (for lack of a better word), a vaginal weight is placed into the vagina. This weight has a string attached to it which suspends a heavier object, whether that be a surfboard, barbell or a bag of lemons. The woman then uses her vaginal muscles to control the suspending object. Vaginal Kung Fu has been touted to increase orgasms, libido, overall confidence and the ability to shoot ping pong balls from your nether regions. It should be noted, however, that these exercises have not been well studied and in fact could cause more harm than good. Plus, why would you ever need to be able to shoot ping pong balls from your vagina? Never mind, don’t answer that!
3. Vaginal whitening
For those not interested in knitting a scarf or shooting ping pong balls from their vagina, there is the opportunity to lighten your vulva. Vulvas come in a wide range of colors and guess what, they are almost always normal! With the rise of the adult film industry, however, people’s perceptions of their own bodies have changed with many women finding their darker genitalia unappealing. Profiting off of this perceived problem are companies promoting laser treatments and chemicals to lighten the vulva. The vulvar tissues are very delicate; therefore, these women are risking burns, blisters and permanent scarring all to “correct” what was already normal.
4. Vaginal mints
Linger, which promotes itself as “internal feminine flavoring” with mints priced at $7.99 a pack, further plays on the insecurities of many women. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times … the vagina is not supposed to taste like a mint or any seasonal fruit. The vagina is supposed to taste like a vagina! However, another company has found a way to make women feel insecure about their bodies and in the process profit from it. One of the primary ingredients in these vaginal mints is sugar, which is known to cause raging yeast infections. So sure, this time it’ll taste like mint but next time it’ll be a crescent roll.
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5. Lysol
Today, it’s vaginal mints and laser lightening but obsession with our lady parts is nothing new. In the 1940s Lysol (yes, the disinfecting brand that “kills 99.9% of viruses and bacteria”) promoted itself as a feminine wash to help women keep their husbands! Lysol, however, is toxic to delicate tissues such as the vagina and therefore many women reported blistering and burns.
I would say luckily we’ve moved past this era in feminine hygiene. However, as long as women are buying vaginal mints and stuffing themselves with lemon slices, I’m not so sure we’re that much better off!