Names have been changed to protect the identity of the innocent (or perhaps not so innocent …)
“We read your blog,” Mr. Coates, an outspoken senior man, announced as he sat next to his more reserved, yet still opinionated wife.
“The one about ‘living your best sex life’,” he grinned. “You need to do one for the men!”
“But I’m an Ob/Gyn,” I attempted to explain to the tenacious old man. “All of my patients are women.”
“Yea, so do one to tell us how we can help the ladies,” he campaigned.
“Yea, tell them to leave us alone!” Mrs. Coates chimed in.
As an Ob/Gyn, daily I get a sneak peek into people’s sex lives – the good, the bad and the downright dirty! Over the years, I have found a few common chords among women in the bedroom. So, for Mr. Coates (and all the other curious men out there) – here are the top five things women wish they could tell you about sex!
Spoiler alert: it’s not “bigger is better”
1. Doing laundry is foreplay
For many women struggling with decreased libido, mental stressors, such as work and household chores, are suppressing their sexual appetite. Men are often able to ignore their stressors allowing a simple brush from their clothing to give them an erection, whereas women tend to require a clearer mind. Therefore, many men use sex to release stress, while women, on the other hand, often need to feel relaxed and stress-free in order to have sex!
So, what do so many women want to say? “Touch me, tease me, but first fold the laundry!” Men who help eliminate some of their partner’s stressors, whether it be doing the dishes or helping them prepare for a work meeting, often find things in the bedroom suddenly become spicier!
2. Slow Down
Arousal for women is very different than it is for men. Visual stimulus is the primary means for sexual arousal in men. Therefore, before a man even physically connects with his partner, he may be erect and ready. Women, on the other hand, tend to experience more sexual arousal from sounds, smells, emotions and touch.
So, how can men help? Prolong foreplay. Experimenting with different erogenous zones (e.g. the lips, neck, nipples and inner thighs) and trying different types of sensual touch can help many women become aroused. And a more aroused partner, often means better sex for all parties involved!
3. Hurry Up
I’m sure every person with a Y chromosome reading this went back and read number 2 and then thought, “there they go, contradicting themselves.” Meanwhile, 99% of women already know where this is going.
As a gynecologist, it’s saddens me to hear woman after woman disclose how they only have sex to keep their husband happy. So many of them describe laying there almost lifeless, letting out a moan here or there, and just hoping he’ll “hurry up!” But it doesn’t have to be that way. And men, yes, you can help!
Most of these “lifeless” women are laying there either thinking about all of the things they need to do or because they weren’t aroused enough in the beginning. So, it’s ok, be a “two-pump chump” this time and then re-read number one and two, so next time instead of laying there thinking “hurry up,” she’ll be laying there thinking “don’t stop!”
4. If You Look Good and Smell Good, We’ll Make You Feel Good
Although visual stimulus is not the primary means for sexual arousal in women (see number two), we still have eyes and like to be attracted to what we see. While there really isn’t a male equivalent for sexy lingerie, heels and pin-up makeup. You coming to bed in your white tube socks, chewing on your fingernails with the smell of your fart leading the way is not exactly a turn on. Instead, take a shower and put on a fresh pair of boxers. You’d be surprised how suddenly Sleeping Beauty becomes Jessica Rabbit!
5. We Aren’t All the Same
Just because the last woman you were with (or the one in that impractical porn you last watched) liked to be flipped over, spanked and talked dirty to doesn’t mean your current partner likes that too. I mean, she may, but ask.
And women, speak up! No one is going to be pleased, if he thinks you like to be cuddled (because that’s what his last girlfriend liked) and meanwhile you’re over there wishing he’d pull out the handcuffs …
No, we aren’t all the same. But over the years, as a gynecologist, I have found some of the same themes among many of my patients. While I’m not in the business of losing business, I do suspect if the Mrs. Coates of the world suddenly start coming home to freshly showered men folding laundry, I may start seeing far fewer women with decreased libido …